David Sedaris Fansite
David Sedaris Quotes
• After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
• Shit is the tofu of cursing.
• They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.
• I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.
• If you moved to Paris and you didn't know anybody and you wanted to make friends, ... then you could go to these readings at English-language bookstores and you would meet people. Even if you weren't that interested in writing.
• My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.
• When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
• I recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve, but I seemed to have underestimated the universal desire to sit in a hard plastic chair and stare at a screen until your eyes cross.
• Underneath my window, there were huge groups of people running in the streets. They tried to overturn a car. So the woman opened her window and tried to throw water on them. So then they threw rocks up and tried to smash her windows. It was very exciting.
• Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do that on people.
• I'm just a big liar.
• Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied.
• Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me."
• One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody has the Internet, ... I don't. I've never seen the Internet. I've never ordered a book on it, and I wouldn't really want to.
• It was all luck and it all started with that radio piece. If it wasn't for that, I'd probably still be cleaning apartments as a maid in New York.
• Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own.
• I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
• People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that there's nothing to miss. I don't see myself moving back. It's not that I hate the United States. I just always thought it would be a shame not to live in a foreign country. Plus I like being a foreigner. It keeps me on my toes.
David Sedaris Biblography
2008 - Indefinite Leave to Remain2005 - Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules (editor)
2004 - Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
2002 - The Book of Liz (play)
2000 - Me Talk Pretty One Day
1998 - Santaland Diaries & Seasons Greetings: (2 plays)
1997 - Holidays on Ice
1997 - Naked
1994 - Barrel Fever
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